RICHMOND, Va. – Reports are coming in from Monument Avenue that the monument of Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy in the 19th century, has announced that the South has finalized their plans to rise for the first time since 1861.
The decision to begin the uprising was influenced by recent economic conditions and political factors. More specific factors included the nation’s move towards gun control reform and immigration policy.
“The time has come for the rebel yell to be heard,” said Davis at a recent statement. “I plan to lead our brothers and sisters to prosperity through the turmoil our existing government has created. I’ve already spoken to both Lee and Jackson down the street, and our beliefs and principles dictate secession.”
The Stonewall Jackson monument went on to confirm, in a separate interview, that the other monuments were prepared to “take this poisonous Union hell by storm.”
Richmond was chosen as the capital of the Confederate States of America throughout their first rebellion, which resulted in the American Civil War. Monument Avenue has long been known as a symbol for Richmond’s Confederate heritage, with the Jefferson Davis monument being one of many monuments paying homage to the Confederacy.
The Arthur Ashe Monument, located further west down the avenue, denied any involvement in the coming secession, reportedly telling locals,“Yeah, I’ll have nothing to do with that bullshit.”
Government officials have yet to issue a statement in response, but rumors are circulating that they are currently in negotiations with the Abraham Lincoln Monument in Washington, D.C. to assist in stopping the uprising.