RICHMOND, Va. — Local groundskeeper, William Monroe, found quite a surprise this morning when he arrived to Hollywood Cemetery for his weekly upkeep. The long-resting denizens of the cemetery, noted for it’s serene calm despite being in the middle of Virginia’s capital, had become awakened into a twisted necropolis of moaning wraiths, demanding that there be a “wight history month,” led by the spectral form of former tenth president of the United States, John Tyler.
After a prolonged several minutes of tortured lamentations, John Tyler said, “It’s always human history month, isn’t it? All us wraiths have been doing is haunting barrows and guarding cursed treasure! Do you even know anything about the spirits of the damned?”
Fellow former president buried in Hollywood Cemetery, James Monroe added, “We like to think America is number one in the world. But I mean, even Mexico has Dia de Muertos, where they get a whole day. But do you know who has a ghost month? Freaking China!”
Tyler continued, “Not just Chinese folk culture, but in general Buddhist and Taoist culture. The gates of Hell open up and the ancestral spirits get to come out for a whole month over there, seeking food and entertainment. People cook food for them, and it’s all about obsequious veneration for their ancestors. You’d think it’d be a problem, but at that time of year, there’s little trouble in big China.”
The specter of Dr. Hunter McGuire pleaded, “We’re not asking for this to even be nationwide. We just want it in Richmond. A whole month at the turn of the harvest.”
Richmond residents have been, for the most part, fairly ambivalent about releasing any official statement, not wanting to upset their ancestors, but local VCU student, Ryan Singer, said, “I don’t really get what the big deal is. They’re ghosts. They can drain the energies from the living, fly and go through walls. You know I’d be checking out some girls in the locker room. They’ve got it good. You don’t have to tell me about wight privilege.”