EMPORIA, Va. — As the results from the 2017 gubernatorial election begin to sink in, many citizens around the state have started to make long-term preparations for how it could affect their daily lives. One citizen in particular has taken more extensive precautions on the eve of what he considers “a possible economic meltdown in modern society.”
James Winston, an Emporia native and Tea Party voter, has began preparing for a complete and total collapse of government, economy, and society. “It didn’t matter who won this damn thing,” Winston said in an interview. “The world is spiraling downward because of both these clown parties, and ain’t nothing gonna stop it except the power of Tea.”
Winston continued, “At any rate, I think I’m ready. I’ve been draggin’ all my leather duds behind my car for a few days now. New leather never intimidated anybody in the apocalypse. Ever. I even got myself a souped-up vehicle for after mankind falls. Got a bunch of old muscle car rat-rods, and I also got me one of them Deloreans. Apart from making for a really good time machine, it was meant to be a sports car that never wears out, so it’s made of stainless steel with a fiberglass underbody. And that rear-mounted engine gives so much extra space up front. More space for more sawed-off shotguns.”
Winston appeared pensive for a moment. “But on the other hand, if anything goes wrong, there ain’t very many replacement parts. No flux capacitor either.”
“I’ve also got plans to get monopolies on vital resources. Medicine. Recreational drugs. Fuel. Ammunition. Food. Lady… things,” he babbled on. “Monopolies are illegal for a reason, ya know. But it’s the end of society. The FTC is going to be on fire or submerged in the ocean or whatever. So I’ma grab all the drugs.”
Winston remained confident in the days preceding the election that a protest vote for a Tea Party candidate was the only way to prevent a massive societal breakdown; however, despite his efforts, the Tea Party did not emerge victorious. He went on to say that if the world is still intact and elections are held next year, he’ll cast his protest vote again.
“I fully plan on exercising my constitutional right at the next election, whenever that may be, by voting for someone from the Tea Party. I don’t know who yet, though. Probably my good friend Larry Morston, or ol’ Lenny. He’d make a fine leader.”