WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Now that the rancorous 2016 election is finished, Americans are about ready for retail therapy. For a lot of us, we’ll be leaving our steaming turkey dinners and acrimonious families in pursuit of marked-down top-of-the-line electronics, action figures with judo chop action, and talking dolls at our local stores. But many people have been camped out stores or in traffic even longer than that, leading to tragedy last night when five people were found dead of malnutrition in a 2009 Ford Focus, having apparently waited in traffic for Black Friday for days.
All five were students at down the road at the College of William and Mary. The driver’s girlfriend, Janeane [last name withheld at request], released a statement to the police. “I knew this was a bad idea. James said he wanted to get ahead of his New Years resolution getting back into shape. First in at the Under Armour Factory House. And to be fair, I’m not very surprised he died of malnutrition. His diet was awful.”
She shrugged before sheepishly adding, “I mean, I could sugarcoat it, but he’d probably eat that too.”
Samantha Smith, the sister of one of the other victims, said, “I don’t know why they even decided to do this without preparing? They bought several packs of water, but that was it. I mean, I’d have a told him to at least pack a sandwich, for God’s sake.”
Police estimate that the car had gotten into the traffic lanes around November 8th, just over 2 weeks ago. Officer Albert West was the first on the scene, saying, “The coroner estimated they might have been dead a few days by the time they were discovered by a motorist sitting next to them that happened to look up from his phone.” “
But in one way, they are kind of lucky. They probably don’t even know that we elected a carnie-handed cotton candy-haired sherbet-orange man for president. It was a simpler time. Back when innocence was still legal,” he trailed off.