New Study Finds You Will Hit Every Stoplight Red When Late For Work

FAIRFAX, Va. – A new study surfaced last week that has confirmed what many scientists and researchers have hypothesized for far too long: “There is indeed a correlation between running late for work in the morning and hitting every goddamn stoplight red during the commute.” Scientists at the George Mason University Research Institute have reportedly undertaken countless trials and studies on people driving to work in the morning and, according to head of the project Dean Shannon, “It’s true that you will be stopping at every possible intersection thanks to red stoplights if you’re running behind schedule in the morning.”

Shannon also spoke of any variables in the experiment, commenting that “It didn’t matter what route people took. The conclusion of the study held true when applied to people taking shortcuts, unfortunately enough. There was, however, an interesting correlation between how likely an employee was to be reprimanded for running late and how long the time spent at a red light was. In every study, people who were more likely to be reprimanded for tardiness spent more time sitting at stoplights.” There results also held true regardless of the day of the week, with the exception of Monday; according to Dean, “Some people actually managed to hit the same light red more than once on Mondays. Go figure.”