FAIRFAX, Va. – How soon is too soon during the holiday season? Much like the election season, it seems like Christmas music starts getting played earlier and earlier every year, much to the chagrin of the average American. Stores have been piping it out since October (and earlier in some places). If you haven’t been ready for it, it was a smart idea to avoid the radio as well. But a local Jewish family, the Blumenthals, have been assaulting their neighbors by blasting that goddamn dreidel song since the November 8th.
“Everyone is always with the talking about the War on Christmas. What about the War on Hanukkah?” asked the family matriarch, Hanna Blumenthal. “I mean, haven’t you guys been following the election? It makes me want to kvetch!”
She added, “And besides, doesn’t Hanukkah precede Christmas by a thousand years? Isn’t Christmas really a War on Hanukkah?”
Her husband, Aaron said, “Hanna’s always in that Hanukkah spirit anyways. We have to physically restrain her from decorating the inside and outside with menorahs, light displays, and so on. She’s real meshuggina.”
Their two elementary school age children seem a little embarrassed of their mother’s enthusiasm for the holiday spirit. The adolescent boy, name redacted for privacy, said, “We’re the only Jewish kids on the street here. Even our neighbors aren’t this Christmas trigger-happy.”
He whispered to the Peedmont, “Just between you and me, I’ve got a file on my computer that contains tattoo sleeve designs that will break my mother’s heart.”
The Blumenthals neighbor, Lore Aquino, said, “Why is Hanukkah so late this year? They’ve been driving us crazy with this. It’s just one song! Over and over again. Dreidel dreidel dreidel, blah blah blah blah blah. Hanna called the police on me. Did you know that? Okay, so I threw their 9 hotdog holder across the yard. But in my defense, it was only the middle of November.”
Hanna Blumenthal shook her head, “It’s the only Jewish song the gentiles will recognize. We do what we can. I don’t see what the problem is. That War on Christmas business is all made up anyways. There actually was a War on Hanukkah, people. Read your history books.”