WASHINGTON, DC – Santa Claus has stunned the nation by giving extra gifts to the children of Washington, Colorado, California, Oregon, Massachusetts, Alaska, and Maine where marijuana is available for recreational use.
While troubling, the shift does not come as a complete surprise. In a call to NORAD last week, Claus exclaimed, “They’ve got the best cookies, dude! You give me edibles, I give you Hatchimals.”
Prior to 2012 when recreational marijuana was legalized in Washington and Colorado, Santa Claus was known to have a neutral, non-partisan outlook on the drug. Claus was asked about his position on the then recent legalization at the 2012 Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.
“My thankful heart is full of love and song! Nothing makes me happier than sharing the Christmas spirit with all the little boys and girls of the world. I exist only to spread cheer and bask in the joy of giving!”
Over the following years, Santa has become increasing erratic in his gift giving. Some families found entire sleigh-loads of toys in their homes while others found their Christmas trees bare. Homes in weed-friendly states awoke to find all the cookies and milk consumed while families in conservative states found their Christmas offerings untouched. One family in Alabama swears that Santa poured “You Suck” into the living room carpet with milk. A reporter from the New York Times reached out to the North Pole for an explanation.
“I got in that sleigh, man, and it was like, ‘Whoosh!’ Then I said, ‘Whooaaaa, Donner. Chill out, dude.’ But yea, we stopped by my florist and picked up some reeeaaal grade A bud. For real. My guy, Ben, carries some dank shit, man.”
Many parents have become increasingly concerned about the negative influence Santa may have on their children. Moms and dads across the country went so far as to buy presents in nervous anticipation of Santa Claus skipping their homes.
Families from Virginia to Utah, Michigan to Florida are upset that their children were left out in the cold this Christmas. Santa, however, seems unconcerned.
“It’s all good, man.”