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Scientists Conduct Experiment To Determine Exact Color Of James River

ARLINGTON, Va. – A group of research associates with the National Science Foundation (NSF) have announced the launch of a new study to determine the exact color of the James River. The river, which flows through the central part of Virginia including the cities of Williamsburg, Richmond, and Lynchburg, has long been the subject of debate among scientists, who have been “struggling to come up with its specific characterization of human visual perspective.” Speaking about the new project, team leader Dan Nuttycombe described the group’s overall goal: “It’s been long contested what type of color the James River is. Is it a murky brown-gray? A darker type of “copper,” maybe? Or perhaps a two-tone shit brown? The truth is we don’t know for sure.” Nuttycombe went on to explain the benefits that the analysis could yield more information on the chemical properties and the ecology of the river, and also unveil future geological trends. However, he also mentioned that a preliminary study yielded some baffling results. “We’re not sure why, but the samples we took last year after Labor Day Weekend came back as 40% Pabst Blue Ribbon. It was a little troubling, and it smelled horrible. We hope that this upcoming study will provide us with more gratifying results.”

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