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University Of Richmond Students Protest For More Menacing Spider Mascot

RICHMOND, Va. – Following a continued existence of living in the shadow of Richmond rival Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU), students at University of Richmond (U of R) have begun protesting for an upgrade from the current spider mascot.

Students have cited multiple reasons for their demand, including the vulnerability of a spider in general. Amanda Scholes, an advocate for a mascot change, was quoted as saying “The whole ‘squash the Spiders!’ chant can get really old. We’d like to see an upgrade to preferably a non-squashable entity.”

Other students note that the term ‘spider’ was too overly generic to be worthy of a mascot. “We feel like the term ‘spider’ just leaves so much to be desired,” claimed Walton Barnes, a member of the group. “Why can’t we be the University Of Richmond Brazilian Wandering Spiders? Those guys have a wicked crazy fatality rate, just like our soccer team on a good day.”

Lindsey Stiles, a junior, has also suggested possibly creating a hybrid creature between a spider and an animal. “What if we just spliced a spider with, say, a bulldog? That sounds pretty vicious, no?”

Members of the school’s administration could not be reached for comment, but sources at the school indicated that they may be forced to issue a statement soon, as the protest group is growing in numbers at an alarming rate.

Barnes also admitted that the group was willing to negotiate on other mascots, just as long as some kind of improvement was made. “Hell, we’d even settle for University Of Richmond Megasharks. If VCU adopted their Giant Octopus counterpart as a mascot as well, that would make for a fun rivalry.”

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