RICHMOND, Va. – After zoning debates and a lengthy bidding contest, the Windsor Farms Neighborhood Council has announced their approval for a completely fortified defensive moat.
“The peasants have gotten rowdy and we don’t want to leave ourselves open to attack or loud music,” offered committee chair and Capital One executive Lewis Reynolds. “The moat will help to reinforce our existing stone battlements and spike pits to the North and we’ll be moving additional archers and canons to the West face ahead of the Spring thaw.”
The contract for the project was awarded to Peters & Sons LLC, who beat out several other bidders after submitting to the council last May.
“We’re excited to break ground on this project,” commented Peters & Sons’ lead hydraulic engineer Henry Johnson. “I think it was our experience building the defensive tower keeps and dungeons for the Salisbury community in Midlothian that gave us a competitive advantage.”
The defensive moat contract approval was the last in a series of hurdles for the Windsor Farm Moat Planning Committee including zoning changes, special permitting, and a serf uprising in the nearby Malvern Gardens neighborhood that occurred in October.
The idea of a fully functional moat is part of a broader trend of defensive construction in higher income communities around Richmond. “We just want to ensure that our residents feel safe and can conduct their businesses without impediment,” said council president and Altria executive George Massey, adding, “The stench of the lower classes can really drive down property values.”
Funding for the moat will come from a 10% rise in neighborhood dues and tax increases on the surrounding serfdoms. “Our Adopt-a-Serpent program failed to generate the expected gold and silver but we’ve had to plenty of success with the bake sale,” commented resident Mary Randolph-Patterson. “We’re excited to have our own drawbridge like that of Rocketts Landing.”
Pre-construction surveying for the moat perimeter will begin early next month pending the suppression of the uprising in Stonewall Court.