BRISTOL, Va. – In a recent press release, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced that state of Tennessee will be relinquishing their ownership of Bristol, therefore allowing Virginia to acquire the entire town.
Bristol, a city divided down the middle by Tennessee and Virginia, is best known for its country music heritage and the Bristol Motor Speedway race track. However, due to a steady increase in poverty, petty crime, and “everyone’s general lack of interest in wanting to do anything there, ever,” the state of Tennessee has given up their part of the city.
“It’s a very underwhelming piece of real estate, and we believe our resources can be better spent on improving other parts of the state,” Hasalm explained. “While the NASCAR races are cool and all, we have better things to worry about, such as the unstoppable country-pop music scene we can’t control in Nashville.”
He also went on to declare that under no circumstances will there be land negotiations between the two states, thus confirming the surrender as final. “Seriously, no give-backs.”
Both physical and internet maps are expected to be updated immediately as the new border at the state line is determined.
Representatives from Virginia have yet to issue a statement, but a source close to Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe noted that the governor punched out a bathroom mirror in raw anger upon hearing the news.