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New Study Finds Charlottesville Drivers Need To Hurry The Fuck Up

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – Researchers at the University of Virginia have announced the results of a recent study on transportation in the Shenandoah region, concluding that drivers in and around Charlottesville “need to seriously hurry the fuck up and use their goddamn wheel like an adult.” According to Professor Tony Nguyen, who led the study, “the overall purpose was to determine the time frames needed to get to and from certain destinations, while taking into account that people around here drive like my son on his Walmart tricycle.” There were many variables that were factored into the study, such as time of day, the hilly terrain affecting visibility, and, per Nguyen, “a severe overabundance of minivans that always drive 10 under the goddamn limit.” After analyzing the mounds of data produced, Nguyen and his associates declared that “if the people of Charlottesville ever want to get anywhere, they really need to put the pedal to the fucking metal and floor that shit.”

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