RICHMOND, Va. – Hipster markets were thrown into chaos in early morning trading at rumors that popular high-end boutique Need Supply Co. might open a second location. Futures in succulents, Mac Demarco vinyls, and quinoa bowls saw early gains while ceramic necklaces, Palo Santo sticks, and knockoff Eames chairs traded down.
“It’s chaos on the floor today!” shouted Chase Blumenthal, a day trader for Addison Vintage. “We haven’t seen Adidas pants, hand-poured candles, or Korean War-era knives trade this heavily since the Normcore crash of 2014.”
At the closing bell, Navajo-inspired serapes, vintage Leica camera lens, and tattoos of geometric shapes had all exceeded quarterly projections while social media internships and large sheepdogs lagged. “This has been one hell of a day,” Wall Street analyst Nina Ashburne commented. “The market for macrame wall hangings hasn’t spiked like this since that Stevie Nicks album reissue.”