RICHMOND, Va. – After weeks of on-again, off-again texts, noncommittal appearances, and half-assed sightings, the Richmond community has finally decided to officially break things off with the famed Maymont black bears.
“Let’s be honest, if the bears really cared about us they’d show up when they say they’re going to,” commented Fan resident Lauren Phillips. “They’re totally ghosting on us—what jerks! I expect that kind of behavior from an OKCupid date, not them.”
The decision to cut ties comes after allegations of the bears’ continued reluctance to appear in public, despite being witnessed on prior occasions, and taking a really long time to respond to text messages.
“We saw each other a few times, like maybe a year ago. It seemed really neat then,” commented longtime Maymont patron Jason Ward. “Since then, the bears totally avoid me when I come around. I thought we had something good … shows what I know. Definitely ghosting.”
In a recent survey, most Richmonders agreed that the bear cubs are “super adorable,” but it’s just too inconsiderate of them to flake like this. One person surveyed added, “It honestly just feels like those cubs get away with it because they’re so fluffy and cute. We’re just going to end it. They’re clearly playing games with our emotions and it’s not a healthy relationship.”
In the meantime, the park’s bobcat has been enjoying a rise in popularity and has considered the possibility of seeing us more. “I’m keeping my options open, but it’s been a bit of a lonely winter.”