RICHMOND, Va. – Speaking before a crowd on Thursday, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney issued a directive formalizing the city’s commitment to being a safe, welcoming place for all residents, regardless of their city of origin. The order was a direct response to the recent controversy caused by the sudden influx of citizens fleeing Northern Virginia (often referred to as NOVA).
“Whether you are from Church Hill or Falls Church, we will embrace you with open arms and open hearts,” proclaimed Stoney. “Richmond always has been, and so shall remain, an utter cesspool of misfits. I see no reason why NOVA natives should be treated any differently than all of the other American cast-offs we receive from around the country.”
After the announcement, the crowd, which was composed almost entirely of Arlington and Fairfax natives, erupted into applause. The audience proceeded to give a standing ovation, cheering as the mayor crowd surfed his way around the gathering.
“Yeah, it’s totally great if you ask me. To-tal-ly,” expressed one recent NOVA immigrant, emphasizing his point by pressing both of his thumbs and index fingers firmly together to form the universal gesture for “OK.”
The bill also explicitly mandates the creation of a designated bureau, NOVATURDS (Northern Virginia Tips to Understanding Richmond Daily Situations), to help aid in the transition. Through their efforts, recent NOVA emigrants will be able to attend helpful assimilation seminars on such topics as:
Getting to Know the Locals: Discerning “crusty punks” from “hipsters” from “VCU art students”
Fashion: How to turn your dead grandfather’s favorite moth-eaten sweater into the latest style craze
Leisure activities: There’s more to do outside than just the river … but not that much really
Music: Which band names to drop in a last-ditch effort to sound edgy
Food: How to work balsamic-glazed brussels sprouts into every meal
PBR aka “the People’s Beer of Richmond”: Not just any ol’ bargain beer
“Our hope is that through activism and community engagement we will one day close the gap between born-and-bred Richmonders and our distant, Northern Virginian neighbors,” declared newly-appointed director of NOVATURDS, Lauren Schmidt. “This directive is merely the first step into a new age of pan-Virginianism.”