RICHMOND, Va. – Speaking before the press at a recent conference, Virginia State Police officials announced yesterday that crime between intoxicated people and pizzas is expected to rise throughout 2017.
Police Chief William Thorpe spoke to the crowd about the prediction, noting that the spike in drunk-on-pizza crime in 2016 was part of a much larger trend.
“2016 saw a steady increase in crimes committed by inebriated civilians towards delicious pizza,” Thorpe commented. “Based on statistics that factor in age demographics, VCU’s continued growth, and the fact that there is a new brewery opening up every week in this town, we expect more pizzas will be threatened and harassed by drunken shenanigans.”
According to historical data, criminal infractions towards Italian pies saw a 3.9% rise in 2015. In 2016, the rate climbed to 5.8%. There was no solid numerical prediction stated for 2017, but some experts have indicated that an increase of nearly 10% is not out of the question.
While pizzas are among the most common victims of inebriated civilians, they aren’t the only dish in danger. Thorpe explained correlations in crime data that showed connections between major social events in Richmond and criminal activity towards greasy food.
“When VCU made it to the CAA semifinals in 2011, we saw a massive surge in crimes against nachos. After an anonymous tip-off, we raided Baja Bean during one of the games and saved as many Tex-Mex dishes as we could from plastered college students.”
Thorpe, along with other law enforcement officials, stressed that responsible behavior among citizens was the only way to reduce the amount of crime committed towards pizza. “We, as a community, have to be responsible, and we have to be vigilant when we’re checking to see if Chanello’s is still delivering at late hours.”
He ended the conference with words of assurance to the many pizzas that will be sought after throughout 2017.
“We expect many of the crimes to come from Belmont Pizza. Sometimes you just can’t help yourself.”