News Peed

State GOP To Fight Planned Parenthood Veto With “Alternative Methods”

RICHMOND, Va. – Following Governor Terry McAuliffe’s veto of a controversial bill to defund Planned Parenthood this past Tuesday, members of Virginia’s GOP have announced plans to fight the ruling with a week-long rally on the State Capitol steps.

Del. Benjamin L. Cline, R-Rockbridge, began the day by leading the crowd in prayer, asking God to “rectify Governor McAuliffe’s wandering, libtard ways.” Initially grim, the overall mood of the crowd greatly improved with promises of maintaining conservative values within the capitol. “I promise the conservative minority in this state that we will return to the morals and ideals of yesteryear. It has been too long since women accepted their husband’s hooker’s chlamydia with a pleasant smile and a gracious heart!”

Conservatives gathered from all over the Commonwealth to express their frustrations about the veto and voice support for the GOP. One man, Dan Smitherman, felt the need to break down the issues in simple terms for liberal constituents who still support funding for Planned Parenthood. “We believe a woman is like a heaven-sent Easy-Bake Oven. In goes the blessed baby batter and nine months later, out pops a sweet, precious morsel. Now, it quickly stales and becomes unappetizing, but let me tell you, baking is sacred.”

U.S. Representative David Brat also made an appearance in support of the rally. “Liberals in this state have accused us of not taking into consideration the basic health needs of women, but that simply isn’t true,” explained Brat. “I have prayed long and hard and have come to the conclusion that any painful lumps, swelling, or bleeding is simply an earthly, physical reminder of Jesus’s love. Who wouldn’t want that?”

Volunteers will be stationed outside the capitol building for the rest of the week to hand out prayer cards and questionably informational flyers. Pharmaceutical representatives will also be present to pass out free Viagra and Cialis samples to any man feeling particularly revved up from protesting women’s reproductive rights.

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