News Peed

Ukrop’s Launches Rainbow Cookie Satellite To Spy On Kroger

RICHMOND, Va. – Senior officials at the Ukrop’s Flight Facility have announced plans to launch a weather satellite, model RAINBOW-4248CO, this weekend at the Bob Ukrop Space Center in Goochland County, VA.

 While the satellite was described as merely meteorological, the launch has been met with outrage from Kroger, a long-standing rival of Ukrop’s Super Markets and Homestyle Foods. Top officials quickly responded with a statement condemning the launch and calling for an international response to Ukrop’s’ space program.

“We’ve seen this kind of aggressive behavior from Ukrop’s before,” commented Kroger Bakery Defense Minister Col. William T. McPearson. “Those bastards have been trying to steal our recipes for decades. We’re not falling for it and we promise you, we will respond.”

Tensions between the two companies have escalated in recent years after Ukrop’s was purchased by competitor Martin’s Food Markets. Both Martin’s and Kroger carry Ukrop’s’ line of baked goods, though this is mostly seen as a form of grocery appeasement in response to increasingly belligerent posturing by the defunct local store.

“Our Rainbow Cookie satellite is purely for measuring climatic phenomena,” responded Mason Detweiler, the Chief Space Commissioner for Ukrop’s. “We’re a peaceful bakery looking to study clouds, nothing more.”

There is speculation among the League of Grocers that the Ukrop’s satellite will instead be laden with advanced surveillance technology. “Listen, we’ve looked into sanctions, we’ve looked into baked intervention,” commented Dr. Nancy Fitzgerald, acting Chairwoman of the Ukrop’s watchdog group BakeWatch. “At the end of the day, Ukrop’s is a sovereign company that bakes delicious, fluffy rolls, but if they violate the Cakes & Cookies Agreement of ‘82 we’ll be watching and we’ll take action.”

Many see the launch as a last-ditch attempt at glory for a once super market. Many in the baking community are hoping for a speedy de-escalation of the Ukrop’s/Kroger tensions. “We’ve lost a lot of good cakes over the years,” added Col. McPearson, “We’re ready for peace. But we’re also ready for war.”

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