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News Peed

Man Rages Inside Dollar Tree; Total Damage Amounts To $52

RICHMOND, Va. – A quiet afternoon in downtown Richmond yesterday turned tragic when a man left a path of destruction in a local Dollar Tree store costing approximately $52 in damages. Rex MacDrunke, 32, has been arrested for entering the property of another for the purpose of damaging it, petit larceny, and disorderly conduct.

According to witnesses, MacDrunke was a regular at the store.

“He just looked a little off,” said Thelma Hoope, a cashier at the store. “I had seen Rex fucked up in here before countless times. Drunk, stoned, even hopped up on Vicodin, but something seemed different about the way he wasn’t loudly apologizing to the security cameras like he usually does.”

After 10 minutes MacDrunke began throwing discount frozen foods down the aisles. When asked to stop by store employees, he turned to ransacking through shelves and pulling things down off their hangers, leaving a trail of debris in his wake.

“In no time he had wrecked half the store, and I’m just standing there thinking, man, that’s at least $22 worth of destruction,” Hoope solemnly stated. “I started trying to keep track of what had been destroyed. Multiple lead-lined glasses: $4. Three off-brand Barbies and a Ken doll: $6. Those ruined office supplies had to total $5 at least, and don’t get me started on all the $1 El Hangry meals he was hurling left and right. I knew I had to call the cops before he got to the 25 cent bouncy ball and sticker vending machines at the front door, as those are the real lifeblood of this place.”

Police arrived on the scene to find MacDrunke calmly sitting in aisle three, eating a cold Hot Pocket the manager had distracted him with. He was arrested immediately.

MacDrunke will likely be responsible for all of the ridiculously cheap goods and property in the store. When asked, MacDrunke’s defense attorney, Chad Michelson, could not comment on the specific costs, but our sources indicate that, in addition to the $52 worth of actual goods, with the destruction of the shelves, he could be looking at up to $70, maybe even $80 in damages.

The exact reasons for MacDrunke’s rampage remain unknown. He is due in court next week for his arraignment.

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