News Peed

New GOP Health Care Bill Eliminates Coverage For Trump-Induced Anxiety

WASHINGTON–  After years of political staging and months of deliberation following the election of Donald Trump, GOP leaders have finally released their proposal to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA), known commonly as Obamacare. However, Republicans and Democrats have both expressed early concerns over the language of the Republican-sponsored American Health Care Act (AHCA) with much of the feedback focused on the new plan’s “complete disregard for the anxiety, stress, and widespread mental breakdowns caused by the new administration.”

“Look, we understand some people may not like our proposal, but what we had before was a total nightmare,” commented Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, R-Wis. “Yes, our plan no longer covers the crippling anxiety and severe depression caused by President Trump’s outrageous and unfounded lies and bonker policy changes, but we’re still committed to providing affordable, reasonable healthcare for all. Absolutely nothing to worry about here.”

Despite Ryan’s calls for a calm and accepting response to the proposal, a recent Gallup poll revealed that many Americans preferred the ACA as, per one submission, it covered the “pre-existing stress conditions caused by the looming threat of the GOP completely sabotaging everyone’s chance at getting the health care they need.”

One lifelong Libertarian voter, Shannon O’Reilly, mentioned that while she didn’t think the ACA was perfect, she was disgusted at the Republican’s replacement.

“I’ve had way too many sleepless nights since [Trump] took office,” O’Reilly remarked. “The dread over a potential trade war with China, the threat of a weakening U.S. dollar, and his deranged commitment to bringing back jobs, lost not to immigrants or outsourcing but basic technological advancements, have caused me to develop a severe stress disorder, hypertension, and, to be completely honest, acute diarrhea. And under this new AHCA, none of that will be covered. Not even the shits.”

Jason Daskendar, another constituent opposed to the replacement act, cited the the Trump administration’s glaring incompetence, gleeful cronyism, and absolute disregard for political norms or Constitutionality as the cause of what doctors are calling “Trump-induced syndrome” or TIS.

“I was diagnosed with TIS shortly after Trump appointed Steve Bannon as his Chief Strategist. The basic symptoms—the projectile vomiting and hair loss—began around mid-November. However, the numbness, tingling, and voices started shortly after the inauguration.”

Disregarding any concerns from the public, Ryan continued on to say that the new plan “was sure to be a success and would only screw people over in the most subtle nature possible.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: