RICHMOND, Va – Disaster struck in Richmond’s Carver district today when two of Black Sheep’s notorious baguette battleships collided, causing major damages and delicious food spills throughout the restaurant.
The first battleship, the monstrous U.S.S. Brookyln, was reportedly struck by the mighty U.S.S. Congress when the two dining Captains, Lisa Barker and Matthew Wallmeyer, respectively, lost control of their ships halfway through their dining voyage.
Barker described the sandwich collision, noting that what began as an ordinary lunch spiraled into chaos after a minor ingredients spill. “I was chowing down, minding our own business, when I noticed a few pieces of the jerk chicken began leaking out. I tried to grab a napkin when suddenly the foredeck collapsed, causing half of the battleship to break apart and smash into the Matthew’s battleship. I don’t remember much after that.”
The U.S.S. Congress had been drifting unattended in table four’s current when the Brooklyn struck its starboard bow causing massive pork shoulder and cabbage slaw spills. “I was checking my Instagram, suddenly I look up and it’s just total carnage,” commented Wallmeyer. “It was just tomatillo barbecue sauce everywhere. Everyone was screaming.”
Emergency personnel were called to the scene immediately and began sending rescue diners in after the survivors. The Black Sheep Coast Guard (BSCG) has begun pulling shredded cabbage and roasted peppers and assisting in the rescue efforts. One BSCG officer, Christopher Sherman, remarked that the collision was among the worst he’s seen in his 10 years on duty.
“These sandwiches are so grand in size, it was bound to happen sooner than later,” commented Sherman. “We’re investigating whether it was diner error but we suspect they ignored the server’s warnings. They should’ve taken the extra napkins when she offered. We haven’t seen anything this bad since the Tarrant’s She-Crab Soup Spill of 2009.”
Officials from the BSCG are doing everything they can to reunite diners and their families. Clean up efforts are already underway but the possibility of recouping losses from either of the battleships looks grim. According to Sherman, there’s little hope that either will be able to be reconstructed into a functioning baguette.
“We may able to salvage some of the peach chutney, but they’ll most likely be given to the hostess to take home.”
The Peedmont will remain onsite providing updates on the situation.