MANASSAS, Va. — John McCreary of Manassas was forced to undergo a traumatic but life-saving intervention this last weekend after his family became increasingly concerned about his inability to accept Virginia as his home state.
The trouble started when McCreary began his undergraduate degree at Lynchburg College and introduced himself to his roommates as being from “the DC area.”
“That was an eye opener for us,” explained McCreary’s mother Margaret. “Our son had grudgingly gone on dozens of field trips to the U.S. Capitol during grade school, but we never thought it would actually alter his reality.”
On a family vacation in 2015, McCreary’s father Mike became concerned after his son began sweating and shivering profusely before telling a Grand Canyon tour guide, “I live in DC, man.”
“I just didn’t understand. All of a sudden he started complaining about the tourists and I-95 traffic. What happened to our little boy?”
McCreary’s family tried to reel him in. They pointed out his Virginia license plates and Manassas Little League trophies with minimal success. Their son’s behavior became noticeably more erratic when he began compulsively stammering about Amtrak and speed walking through National Battlefield Park in a Hugo Boss suit. The final straw occurred when McCreary began foaming at the mouth and clawing his forearms at the annual family reunion while alternating between using two iPhones and a prepaid burner.
Family and friends gathered at McCreary’s childhood home last week in hopes that an intervention would cure him of his worsening Washingtonian delusion. Basic facts about his upbringing and adult life were initially met with confusion and denial.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I drive an Audi. I … I work for the FBI.”
“No. No, son. You inherited your 1989 Audi 200 from your grandmother when you turned 16,” explained Mike McCreary. “You work as a Starbucks barista. James Comey came in for a caramel macchiato one time … that doesn’t mean you work for the FBI, son.”
McCreary managed to force out a final gut-wrenching scream before projectile vomiting all over his parents’ living room floor. The evening ended with McCreary rocking in the corner, curled in the fetal position, while his family surrounded him with Virginia Tech fan gear and force-fed him Smithfield country ham.