HARRISONBURG, Va. — A 3-alarm fire occurred early this morning on the 1300 block of Grant Street destroying a prolific Harrisonburg meth lab, leaving just over 950 remaining labs in the surrounding area.
According to the Harrisonburg Police Department the fire erupted in the early morning hours following a massive explosion. “The fire was likely caused by the volatile cocktail of chemicals and solvents involved in the creation of crystal methamphetamine,” commented Police Sergeant Darren Fastone. “This fire leaves only 957 remaining meth labs in the surrounding area, give or take a few. Woohoo!”
“We’re relieved that no one was hurt in the blaze,” commented Sargent Dave Ritter, Chief Fire Captain for Harrisonburg Station Number 2. “Our firefighters extinguished the flames within 20 minutes, pretty average for meth lab fires, which are embarrassingly common here.”
According to the investigation, a series of four rapid explosions were heard within a 10 block radius, followed by an intense fire. However, only two of those explosions were from this meth lab, with the two other explosions coming from two other meth labs nearby.
The homeowner, Ray Ray Jenkins, refused our requests for an interview despite answering all of our questions in rapid fire. “I don’t really know what happened. Ok, yes I do. I was cooking some meth and watching Space Jam. It’s my favorite movie. Suddenly, boom. Boomboom! BOOM! And the whole damn place was on fire.” Jenkins was taken into custody shortly after police arrived on the scene. “I never got to see the Looney Toons win the big game.”
The incident left residents shaken but not at all surprised given the outrageous number of meth labs in the community. As a result of their recent exponential growth, Harrisonburg is commonly referred to as a “meth town with a college problem.”
Around the time of the fire, several James Madison University students were attending a party at the Kappa Alpha Delta fraternity house several doors away. “At first we thought it was something serious,” commented sophomore Andrew Talton, “Then we realized it was just another meth lab fire. That’s what, the eighth one this month, or something? We always stop counting about a week in.”
Police on the scene also took Talton and his brothers into custody after they discovered yet another meth lab inside the fraternity house. “Figures,” commented Fastone.
“Honestly, busting only two labs is sorta a slow morning for us,” Fastone confessed. “But every blazing meth inferno counts. Small victories but victories nonetheless, ain’t that right Ray Ray?”