April 2017

State of Emergency Declared After Shrimp and Grits Shortage

RICHMOND, Va. — Earlier today, Governor Terry McAuliffe declared a state of emergency across Virginia following news of a looming shrimp and grits shortage. Heavy winds and recent droughts all culminated to limit current food resources, [read more ... ]

Shared Alleyway Declared “Demilitarized Zone” Between Fan Apartments

RICHMOND, Va. — Following ongoing disputes between Floyd Avenue neighbors Michelle Lytle and Benjamin Parker regarding land sanctions, parking spaces, and excessive noise overflow, reports indicate that leading officials have declared their shared [read more ... ]

Corey Stewart Introduces Medicaid Plan Offering Leeches And Rusted Cutlery

HARRISONBURG, Va. — During a rally in downtown Harrisonburg yesterday, Republican gubernatorial candidate Corey Stewart unveiled his new, state-sponsored plan for health care, calling for the reintroduction of and reliance on medicinal leeches and [read more ... ]

NOVA Man’s Commute So Long He Claims Metro Train as Legal Residence

FAIRFAX, Va. — In a bold move, with potential legal ramifications that have yet to be fully realized, a Northern Virginia man has claimed a Metro train as his legal residence for tax purposes. “I crunched the numbers, and I realized I spend more [read more ... ]

Mayor Stoney: “I Did Not Celebrate 4/20, Please Stop Asking”

RICHMOND, Va. — After fielding repeated inquiries from the city’s residents, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney officially responded in a statement this morning that he did not celebrate 4/20, an unofficial holiday for marijuana smokers. “I’ve been [read more ... ]

Perfectly Healthy Tree Nervous About Rumors of New Monument

RICHMOND, Va — A healthy 38-year-old oak in a small grassy median at the head of a Fan intersection worries that its very existence could be threatened. Planted in the late 70s as part of a pro-arbor project sponsored by the city, this now sturdy [read more ... ]

Delayed Pregaming At Fan Apartment Threatens Bar Hopping Itinerary

RICHMOND, Va. — Despite determined efforts to organize a timely social gathering, reports indicate that friends of Aaron Haskett have yet to arrive at his Fan apartment for a few drinks before embarking on a night of neighborhood bar hopping. [read more ... ]

Humanitarian Efforts Underway After Kings Dominion Volcano Erupts

DOSWELL, Va. — Tragedy struck the beloved Kings Dominion theme park this morning when, at approximately 10 a.m., the notorious Volcano roller coaster violently erupted, causing massive amounts of magma and volcanic ash to devastate the park. The [read more ... ]

Scientists Create Renewable Energy Out Of Cancelled Plans

BLACKSBURG, Va. — After years of lengthy research and experiments, leading scientists at Virginia Tech announced today that they’ve successfully developed renewable energy from the unstable forces of plans and events that were spontaneously [read more ... ]