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Dominion Buys Water Country USA; Uses Lazy River For Coal Ash Dump

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Dominion Energy has announced plans to purchase Water Country USA, a popular Williamsburg water park, with the intention of using the well-known Lazy River ride to dump excess coal ash.

The purchase is part of Dominion’s expanded strategy for disposing of the ash, a byproduct of burning coal, which contains mercury, arsenic, lead, and several other heavy metals, many of which are toxic and threatening to one’s enjoyment of the Lazy River.

When reached for comment, Dominion President William P. Thurston Jr. said, “With the easing of environmental regulations and proposed slashing of the EPA’s budget by the Trump administration, we really don’t have to answer to anyone anymore, so we’re just going for it. The park’s Lazy River ride has ample space and a strong flow, so we think it’ll be a good outlet for us to use. Plus, what are you gonna do about it?”

With the acquisition of the park, Dominion has considered other attractions for use as well. In addition to dumping up to three hundred thousand pounds of coal ash into the Lazy River, Dominion will explore burying spent nuclear rods from the North Anna Power Station under the Supreme Swirl, a towering 80-foot water slide with views of the entire park. “Honestly, when it comes down to humans and the environment, we just couldn’t care less,” commented Dominion Chief Operating Officer Dillon Matthis. “Destroying a beloved place through negligent disposal of hazardous materials didn’t raise much opposition when we did it to the James River, so we’re just diversifying our efforts.”

At press time, Dominion was said to be exploring additional dump sites including the Children’s Museum of Virginia, Maymont, and your childhood home.

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