News Peed

BREAKING: VCU Student Expected To Graduate Within Four Years

RICHMOND, Va. — The Peedmont has obtained shocking evidence that suggests a student at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) will be graduating within four years. While graduating from VCU in under five years is an extremely rare occurrence, this would be the first verified account of a truly four-year degree. The controversial revelation was uncovered by “Deep Pee,” a distinguished unit of the Peedmont staff dedicated to deep-cover, long-form investigative journalism.

“We’d been on this case for months without any progress,” commented Deep Pee Lead Editor Anderson Tilley. “Then suddenly we get an anonymous tip from inside the VCU Registrar’s office and the case blows wide open.” The leaked transcript revealed a near perfect lineup of required courses, well-timed semesters, and passing grades that will allow the VCU senior, referred to as “Student X,” to graduate on time this coming May.

The report has sent shockwaves through the VCU community, sparking protests among academics advisors, adjunct professors, and administrative staff. “It’s chaos in the department right now,” commented a staff member within the VCU Office of Records and Registration, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve worked hard to establish a reputation for making it virtually impossible to graduate in four years. If the rumors are true, it could open the floodgates to all students graduating on time. Just unfathomably destabilizing.”

Students reacted to the news with a combination of joy and disbelief, with many calling into question the authenticity of the transcript. Some students indicated that this could mark a permanent shift in the VCU experience, while others have suggested the transcript must be a forgery. “We’ve all heard this rumor before,” commented VCU junior Jackie Stevens. “It always turns out to be a myth. It’s just not possible to graduate from VCU in four years. Everyone knows that.”

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