United Airlines’ Customer Service Rankings Hit “Comcast In RVA Apartment” Lows

NEW YORK — Following severe backlash and criticism for forcibly removing a passenger from an overbooked flight, the American Customer Satisfaction Index showed last night that United Airlines’ customer service rankings have hit a record breaking “Comcast cable/internet service in an inner-city Richmond apartment” low. The report detailed that, in the aftermath of the violent, viral footage of the incident, coupled with the flat apology from CEO Oscar Munoz, the company’s rankings dropped more than 47%, putting them on par with the experience of suffering through three months worth of Xfinity’s unreliable service. Whitney Preston, a Richmond native and longtime member of United’s MileagePlus program, said she is shocked at the repulsive behavior the airline displayed and is considering taking her business elsewhere. “I haven’t witnessed torture at the hands of a company like that since my WiFi went out at my Cary Street condo and I had to get a Comcast technician to come out to fix it,” she explained. “And that was after going through 20 layers of automated menus over the phone. Took me hours.” According to internal sources, United has reportedly begun work on promotional campaigns to rebuild their image, including “Knockout Deals!” and “Savings So High They’ll Make Your Nose Bleed!” to help regain the business of boycotting customers.