News Peed

Corey Stewart Introduces Medicaid Plan Offering Leeches And Rusted Cutlery

HARRISONBURG, Va. — During a rally in downtown Harrisonburg yesterday, Republican gubernatorial candidate Corey Stewart unveiled his new, state-sponsored plan for health care, calling for the reintroduction of and reliance on medicinal leeches and kitchen cutlery.

 
Stewart, who recently proclaimed his admiration for the Confederacy at a rally in Roanoke, said the new plan, which has been dubbed “Antebellum Healthcare,” will be an answer to “the disastrous, tax-hungry plan of Obamacare,” and will save citizens money by utilizing medicinal ideas that were regularly used before the Civil War.
 
“Our proposed Medicaid plan will offer Virginia citizens health care that was successfully used by our stalwart forefathers,” Stewart explained, citing the use of such practices during the mid-19th century as a measure of its benefits. “It will also come at a lower cost with minimal premiums.” 
 
“Leeches and plantation cutlery kept health care costs low during the glorious times of the Confederacy. We’re going to offer the people the same blood letting luxuries and care that was available to our brave soldiers who fought in the War of Northern Aggression.”
 
The plan includes using leeches to drain excess blood from a patient’s body. “Hell, these suckers could drain cancerous blood cells from someone,” Stewart said. “We could finally have a cure.” Other parts of the plan call for used kitchen cutlery to be utilized in surgical procedures. “So much money is spent on medicinal tools that just get thrown away after being used once,” Stewart said. “Imagine what we would save if we just used our old forks and knives that only get used during the holidays? So what if the knives are a little rusty? The money we save could be used on extra soap or something.”
 
Health insurance has long been a debated subject at a state and national level, with many arguing that current policies place too much financial burden on society as a whole. Stewart’s new Medicaid plan would be a single-payer system in which users pay the state to fund leech breeding and foraging for excess kitchen cutlery.
 
Sally Demaire, a supporter of Stewart, says she welcomes a new state health care plan that comes at a lower cost to the individual.
 
“Leeches may be a bit slimy, but if it keeps me from having to pay taxes to ensure that everyone has affordable health care, I’m in.”
 
Other parts of the plan called for the use of mercury to treat wounds and the introduction of traditional herbal medicines as the go-to drug for any and all kinds of illnesses.

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