News Peed

Official Corey Stewart Campaign Riverboat Late to Local Rally

GOOCHLAND, Va. — A rally in support of divisive Virginia gubernatorial candidate Corey Stewart was delayed some three hours today due to the candidate’s late arrival.

While normally such a delay would be innocuous in the midst of a competitive race for the governor’s office, sources close to the campaign shared that incidents like this are far from infrequent. An aid to the campaign who wished to remain anonymous told us that delays such as this one are directly tied to Stewart’s decision to use an official campaign riverboat as his only means of transportation.

The riverboat is a restored 1860s double decker whose vintage is befitting of Stewart’s views but poorly suited to the modern era. While officially christened the SS Chanticleer, the staff has begun to refer to the side-wheel boat as the “SS Problem Child,” as it often gets snagged in shallow riverbeds and quagmires.

When reached for comment, the riverboat’s former owner, Clarence Pickett, said that, when approached by the Stewart campaign, he was “thrilled to lend my support and be free of that infernal contraption.” Pickett went on to say that the riverboat had become a burden on him in his old age as “it was a better friend to opossums and snakes than it was to me.”

The Stewart campaign website published a press release when the riverboat was purchased, stating that “We Virginians have lost our way in a sea of modern technology and would do well to keep to the humble rivers of our ancestors.” Stewart himself has often been quoted as saying “Good enough for old Lee is good enough for me.”

While the decision to use the riverboat has obviously been a point of contention among the campaign staff, they all made the same simple request: “Please pray for us. He wants to take this goddamn thing straight up the Chesapeake for a stump speech in Arlington. Stewart thinks the Sultana explosion is ‘Yankee revisionist history’ and we are all fearing for our lives.”

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  1. Corey Stewart Found Emptying Bottle of Bourbon Over Jefferson Davis’s Grave in Hollywood Cemetery – The Peedmont

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