News Peed

Nags Head Finalizes Evacuation Plans in Preparation for “RVA Beach Week”

NAGS HEAD, N.C. — It’s a familiar scene in the coastal town of Nags Head, North Carolina. Men, women, and children filling sandbags, covering windows with plywood, and securing lawn decorations. Every year these same preparations are made as the townspeople await the finalization of the official evacuation plans they will follow to make their escape before the annual “RVA Beach Week” descends upon them.

For some this is their first year of having to flee before the proverbial shit storm hits their shores. “I’m not sure what to expect, damage wise,” a new Nags Head homeowner told us. “Some of the neighbors make it sound like the apocalypse, but it can’t be that bad. Right? Right?”

Other residents are seasoned veterans of this occurrence and have learned to be less optimistic.

“I’ve seen streets covered in broken glass, beaches with more beer cans than sand; one year I even came home to find my car in my living room,” said Robert Belkin, a resident of 10 years. “My windows weren’t even smashed or anything; they just drunkenly deconstructed and then rebuilt my car inside my home.”

In this time of impending terror the township does what it can to protect its residents and their property. Every year the county government gives new consideration to which roads to close and spends money trying to develop a sign that visiting tourists will actually obey in order to protect sand dunes and homes.

“Some of us don’t believe that they actually read English,” said city councilwoman Jan Deering. “We’ve been running tests on an undisclosed Richmond sidewalk with a sign that says ‘Don’t Walk Here — Poison Death Cement’ and we actually found a guy with a banjo busking there last week. It’s obvious that their desire for revelry trumps any concerns for the preservation of life and property.”

The town expects to have their evacuation plan completed on time this year, giving the population two full weeks to execute it. If past years are any indication, residential escapes will begin with those closest to the bottom of the peninsula and then slowly move north across the town. Last year the town reported a 95% desertion rate and hopes to exceed that number this year.

We wish them luck.

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