News Peed

Dominion Riverrock Festival to Feature New Coal Ash Obstacle Course

RICHMOND, Va. — Organizers for the ninth annual Dominion Riverrock festival announced today the addition of a new coal ash-themed athletic competition to headline Saturday’s event lineup. The “Ash Bash 5k ObstaCoal Rumble” is expected to draw large crowds of spectators as competitors traverse a grueling five kilometer obstacle course riddled with toxic pitfalls and carcinogenic challenges.

Dominion Riverrock’s three-day outdoor lifestyle festival is held on Brown’s Island each year and offers athletic competitions and spectator events ranging from kayaking and mountain biking competitions to outdoor concerts to the ever-popular dog jumping contest. The festival, which celebrates the James River is, in an extraordinary display of dramatic irony, sponsored by Dominion Power, the energy company currently dumping toxic coal ash into the James River as we speak.

“We’re psyched to add yet another wild event to the Riverrock lineup,” commented event coordinator Jason Brohan. “The Ash Bash is going to be the sickest event of the whole weekend. Literally. It will probably make the competitors incredibly sick.” Organizers added that they noticed a steep boost in registrations after announcing the ObstaCoal course.

“Each year we try to up our game a little bit and I think we’ve really outdone ourselves this year,” commented Dominion Power executive J. T. Masters. “It’s really just a way for us to celebrate how much we all love the James River. Some for recreation, others for dumping massive quantities of cancer-causing coal byproducts.”

Riverrock organizers added that they were still exploring options for a coal-fired phone charging station so that festival-goers can stay charged with clean coal.

A breakdown of the Ash Bash 5k ObstaCoal Course is as follows:

The course will kickoff with a 2.5 kilometer sprint through toxic sludge. Competitors will then have to swim through the Toxic Waste Fun Zone, a 100-meter-long pond filled with coal ash and other heavy metals, before reaching Coal Hill, a 25-foot-tall pile of loosely packed ore that runners will be forced to climb. The last obstacle is the Toxic Castle, a one-hour sweat session in a room full of carbon dioxide. Runners must complete all of the challenges and cross the finish line to complete the full race.

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