News Peed

Radford Provost Iced During Commencement Address

RADFORD, Va. — The Radford University family had reason to celebrate this past Saturday, May 6, when over 1,600 undergraduate students became proud new Radford graduates in the 2017 spring commencement ceremony. Hundreds of families gathered at Moffett Lawn to watch their loved ones walk across the stage to accept their hard-earned diplomas.

However, the ceremony turned out to be slightly more spontaneous this semester.

When Interim Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs Joseph Scartelli (“Jospeh,” according to the Radford website) walked around the podium, he spotted a bottle of watermelon Smirnoff Ice set on top of his commencement speech note cards.

“Aw, shit! Really, you guys?” laughed Scartelli.

Provost Scartelli, who had recently taken a naked lap around Muse Hall after being skunked in beer pong by men’s basketball coach Mike Jones, dropped down to one knee much to the delight of the audience.

“Just like you’re suckin’ a dick, dude!” yelled one of the many soon-to-be Radford graduates.
Our sources at the event have confirmed that Scartelli “took it like a boss,” and consumed the alcoholic beverage in 19 seconds before giving a triumphant thumbs-up to the crowd.

Harry Keltzberger, an environmental biology professor in attendance, said afterward that the icing will likely be remembered as the highlight of the day.

“He totally owned that shit. It’s just what the students needed to see on their graduation day; it’s inspiration and drive for graduates soon to take on the world.”

Scartelli was able to complete his commencement address without any further interruptions.

After the ceremony, many students walked around campus with their families to take advantage of Radford-inspired photo ops. Kegs of Natty Light were set up in front of McConnell Library so that parents could take pictures of their children doing farewell keg-stands in their caps and gowns, and some students gathered on the main quad to play celebratory drunk T-ball with their rolled-up diplomas.

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