Op-ed: I’m a Cute Cat but Please Don’t Touch Me

Hi. Hello. I am a cat. You are a human. I see you came over to touch me. Oh, do you think I look soft? You like this striped thing my orange fur does? You think I have nice green eyes? You want to ring this bell on my collar?

That’s really great.

You feel uncomfortable at this dinner party that other human brought you to, don’t you? You don’t really like any of the other humans here, do you? I understand, I’m not so fond of them either.

I see that you’re using me as an excuse to not engage in conversation.

You are hoping to spend the rest of your evening petting me, aren’t you? You are hoping the human you came with will want to leave soon, aren’t you? Well that’s a nice thought. Really cute.

Unfortunately, I’m not interested. I have a lot to do myself, like look out the window. And sit on this armrest. And figure out how to get this damn collar off.

Best of luck with the other humans. It’s a bore, I’m sure. Wish I could help you. Now go away. Get out of here. Don’t you dare come near me again.