PETA Rescues Rodney the Ram

RICHMOND, Va. — Shortly after the announcement broke that head basketball coach Will Wade would be leaving, the Stuart C. Siegel Center was thrown into even more havoc after another horrid discovery: Rodney the Ram had gone missing.

At first, staff believed the ram was out for late night grazing or possibly on a Tinder date, but the peppy, muscular mascot never returned to his pen. Neither VCU Police nor the Richmond Police Department could find any helpful evidence regarding his whereabouts other than grainy security footage of a person hanging out in the lobby of the Siegel Center.

But now, based on a recently-released video, it is confirmed that Rodney was taken by the Norfolk-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, more commonly known as PETA. PETA claimed responsibility for rescuing the beloved mascot in a two-minute announcement video.

“We are proud of our team for carrying out the rescue mission,” said Ingrid E. Newkirk, CEO of PETA. “Forcing any animal to be used for entertainment is cruel and using an innocent ram in order to sell more tickets and to amp up a crowd’s enthusiasm is the epitome of hell on earth for these majestic creatures.”

The night Wade departed for Louisiana State University, Siegel Center staff noticed a strange young woman hanging around in the lobby, telling everyone and anyone about her vegan and ethically-sourced clothing.

“I honestly didn’t think anything of it,” said one of the janitors on duty that night. “I mean, when isn’t there a person on VCU campus preaching about ethical clothes, food, or other nonsense?”

Because of the stress of Wade’s sudden departure and the culprit’s ability to blend in with any other vegan missionary on campus, PETA was able to infiltrate the facility and lure the ram out with Red Eye cookies. Police raided the Norfolk facility, but Rodney was not there. VCU environmental science faculty and students suggested that the organization could be hiding him in the mountains, a ram’s natural habitat. Search teams have been dispatched to Charlottesville’s Carter Mountain as a starting point but may widen the search to the Appalachian or even the Rocky Mountains.