CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Tragedy struck the beautiful University of Virginia campus yesterday when Andrew Dunivan, a junior majoring in sociology, passed away after claiming victory in a “James Comey Testimony” drinking game.
The event took place Thursday morning during former FBI Director Comey’s testimony before Congress. Participants in the drinking game had been consuming alcoholic beverages according to a series of rules, which included “drink every time a friend posts about HilLIARy,” “take three sips every time a Republican member of Congress looks utterly confused,” and “bottoms up whenever someone dodges a question.”
Dunivan, a veteran beer pong champion, was playing extremely competitively according to friends and fellow participants, even going so far as to call out anyone who wasn’t adhering to the rules.
“His dedication to the game was so inspiring,” remarked Rebecca Crosley, who placed third in the event. “One of the rules was ‘every time a Trump family member tweets during the testimony, take a sip,’ and he would always turn to Chad and diabolically scream ‘YOU’RE NOT GETTING OFF THAT EASY!’ as if he thought Chad wasn’t going to comply.”
According to witnesses Dunivan passed out approximately one hour into Comey’s testimony. His friends attempted to resuscitate him while simultaneously drawing dicks with political expletives on his face, but it was to no avail.
Crosley and several others present reported that Dunivan had uttered a slurred “IMPEAC—“ before releasing a monumental burp and keeling over.