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Corey Stewart Learns of Defeat via Telegraph

RICHMOND, Va. — In an awkward exchange early this morning, Virginia Republican gubernatorial candidate Corey Stewart was informed via telegraph of his loss in the primary to Ed Gillespie before a crowd of reporters.

Stewart had been giving a passionate and rallying speech on the steps of the state capitol building when he received a telegram reading “The battle is over STOP The Confederacy has fallen STOP The carpetbaggers are coming STOP. ”

Stewart proceeded to ride his trusty steed, Beauregard, all the way to his Bel Air plantation property where he lowered the Confederate flag to half-staff and fired shots from his 1863 Enfield Rifle into the air in an emotional and dramatic display of defeat.

“I do declare, the South will rise again!” Stewart hollered.

When asked about why his campaign fell flat, Stewart blamed “the undesirables, Abraham Lincoln, and those damn, dirty Yanks.”

Corey Stewart has already sent a telegraph to the long-folded Confederate newspaper, the Daily Richmond Examiner, declaring his intent to run for governor in 2021. Additionally, a statue of Stewart will be erected at the intersection of Monument Avenue and Strawberry Street, continuing the southern practice of rewarding participation trophies to the Confederacy’s greatest losers.

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