Richmond, Va. — Recent VCU graduate, Kellen Heinrich has finally had enough of the poor living conditions he faces in his Grace Street apartment, which he has lived in for four years, and fully blames his landlord, Craig Jerrell.
Heinrich, who just received his Bachelor of Arts in Craft and Material Studies with a concentration in glass, has admitted that neither he nor his two roommates have made any effort to clean the apartment themselves over the course of their entire undergraduate experience, but he also maintains that they shouldn’t have to.
“I’m sick of handing my hard-earned cash to Craig every month when all he does is sit in his fucking mansion, probably in like, Westhampton or some shit, using my money to put in an inground pool or something,” Heinrich stated. “He’s such a slumlord that when he stops by to do stuff like fix our busted window screens or replace the locks after a break-in, he doesn’t even help us do the dishes or fold the laundry. What an ass.”
Heinrich further said that he has plans to write a strongly worded letter to Jerrell, listing all of the specific problems that he expects the landlord to address. Among them are the recycling bin buried under a mountain of empty PBR cans and Cinnamon Toast Crunch boxes, the inside of the microwave that is coated in Totino’s Pizza Roll remnants, the coffee table covered with ash and the shattered pieces of a glass bong Heinrich made himself, and the 13 empty bottles of Head & Shoulders that occupy the shower.
As Heinrich rummaged through the trash in his bedroom that he claimed was the discarded remains of many “found art” projects, he came across items that he hadn’t seen since the fall of 2013, when he was but a mere freshman. A black t-shirt reading “What Does the Fox Say?” was spotted next to a crumpled American Hustle poster and a faded magazine with the headline “Miley Cyrus Shocks World With Raunchy VMA Performance.”
When asked if he would dispose of the items since he didn’t need them for artistic purposes, Heinrich indicated that he had no plans to. However, he did disclose that he definitely expected Jerrell to sort through the mess, as everyone knows that this is the job of any landlord.
The angry tenant further conveyed that if Jerrell doesn’t tend to his requests soon, Heinrich would have no other choice than to take him to court.
“I have a right to a clean, safe, well-maintained living space, and it is his legal obligation to uphold his duty as a landlord. I mean, look at this disgusting pit. I bet he doesn’t live like this, so why should I?”