RICHMOND, Va. — VCU researchers made a remarkable anthropological breakthrough last week after making contact with an isolated and untouched mountain bike group inhabiting Belle Isle, one of the last of its kind.
For years sunbathers and joggers spotted tire tracks crisscrossing the island and throughout the surrounding James River Parks system, but until this week no one had ever communicated with the mysterious inhabitants.
In a display of true scientific heroism and bravery, the VCU team approached the bikers and began to open a line of communication. Previous encounters with other mountain bike groups in Shenandoah National Park had given researchers a basic understanding of their language. The anthropologists were able to gain the trust of the riders by using words such as “bail,” “dope,” “air,” and “rail.”
Initial research found that the bike group utilizes a crude system of currency based on trading Clif Bars and energy gels. It is still unclear how this isolated bike group reproduces as there are seemingly no females within their ranks.
Anthropologists questioned the ethical and moral implications of introducing these possible savages to modern society.
VCU professor Dr. Erik Hammerschmidt was particularly concerned.
“These men bike all day and all over the island in search of sustenance, sometimes an entire half mile,” he said. “They’re forced to fight the vicious Graffitianthus artistica, more commonly known as the graffiti artist, over claims for their territory on a daily basis. How will they react to modern day conveniences?”
The research team brought the riders gifts of bananas, Camelbak hydration packs, and even a new pair of Oakley sunglasses as a gesture of goodwill. The new Oakleys caused a great deal of excitement and seemed to be greatly prized by the group’s leader.
Update: It has been confirmed that one of the group’s beta males led a violent uprising early this morning and slaughtered their leader in a move to take control of the Oakley sunglasses. The leader’s severed head can still be seen on a spike from the Belle Isle suspended walkway.