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Blacksburg Opens Virginia Tech Up For Oil Exploration

BLACKSBURG, Va. – Officials of the City of Blacksburg announced today new ordinances were passed that will open Virginia Tech up to oil exploration in the coming years.

The announcement comes as a surprise as city officials have vehemently sought the repeal of regulations prohibiting such practices since the 1990s to no avail. However, thanks to many recent Republican victories on the local, state, and federal level, Blacksburg Mayor Anthony Johnston successfully led renewed efforts to reverse course on the energy restrictions.

“The tax revenue from that oil would cover the needs of all of Blacksburg’s children for decades,” commented Johnston, “We’re excited to finally put the needs of our community first. It’s time to get down there and start pumping away.”

Equally excited are the titans of the oil industry, a majority of whom see this as a profitable opportunity. “It’s about time those dang regulations are gotten rid of,” commented local oil billionaire T. Willis Bartleby, “That campus is sitting on a goddamned goldmine and it’s finally mine for the taking!”

There’s long been speculation within the oil industry of reserves under Virginia Tech, specifically the main campus, commonly referred to as the Drillfield. While the the large, grassy area is most commonly used by students to walk to class, play frisbee, or practice for color guard, rumors have swirled for decades of vast oil fields looming just below the surface.

This decision is not without controversy, as drilling would mean an increased risk of accidental spills and increased burning of carbon-heavy fuels, both of which could disrupt the Hokie football season.

Environmental activists have responded en masse by condemning the policy change as regressive and dangerous. “The last thing we need is more oil,” commented Michelle Caldone, president of the Virginia chapter of the Sierra Club. “More oil means a higher likelihood of dangerous accidents, carbon emissions, and environmental disaster. Do you know how many Hokiebirds are lost each year to oil spills?”

Environmental agencies have threatened both legal and extralegal action to block the drilling as Big Oil celebrates the victory.

Meanwhile, local reactions have been mixed. “Blacksburg hasn’t seen this kind of excitement since that time Chad tried to outdrink Brad two weeks ago,” commented local resident Phil LeRoy. “Whatever happens, it should be fun to watch.”

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