HELL – After a stint of painfully hot weather throughout the summer season, Satan himself has claimed responsibility for the harsh climate, announcing that the cause is a recently burst pipe in Hell.
In a recent interview, the Devil admitted the engineering malfunction. “Yeah, it was earlier this week. Everyone suddenly smelled this horrible stench, and we’re used to smelling pretty rotten things down here, but this was seriously foul. We sent Dantalion to go take a look, and we found out we have this massive radiator pipe that’s completely blown.”
The pipe burst, according to Satan, was located in one of the upper layers of Hell, which has caused warm gases to leak through the Earth’s crust into the Mid-Atlantic region. The subsequent leak caused near triple digit high temperatures through Virginia.
This isn’t the first time events in Hell have affected the weather in Virginia. Last February, the area saw a week of unusual 60 degree weather; a few days later, Satan again came forward, attributing the temperatures to a fire pit that was beginning to overflow with souls of the damned. “We threw in too many tormented souls at one time, and the damn thing practically spilled all over the place.”
Satan also noted that it was difficult getting maintenance done in Hell. “Unfortunately, it’s hard to get someone to come down here and take a look at things. Every mechanic has high rates since no one will insure them to work in Hell.”
In the meantime, the citizens of Virginia can look forward to more scorching temperatures throughout the summer.
“We’ll get it fixed as soon as we can,” Satan remarked in the interview. “The smell is overwhelming, even for our standards. Beleth and some of his legions went up there with a toolkit last night, so it shouldn’t be too much longer.”