Corey Stewart Vows to Rise Again in Senate Race

WOODBRIDGE, Va. — Corey Stewart recently announced his decision to run for the U.S. Senate just weeks after his loss to Ed Gillespie in the Republican gubernatorial primary.

“Tim Kaine wants to turn this country into a bunch of pigeon-livered, equality-obsessed pacifists! If we were meant to be equal, God would have made us look equal,” Stewart proclaimed to his followers during his most recent rally at Waffle House. “This is not a man you want representing our strong, historical state. I will not let my people be tread on anymore!”

Though the primary loss was a setback, Stewart has sworn that this is his chance to strike back, rise above, and finish what his Confederate counterparts started. “Just like our southern brethren did against their northern aggressors, I will stand up and keep fighting for what I believe in,” Stewart announced determinedly. “The primary may not have turned out how I planned, but the real Battle of Chancellorsville is on the horizon.”

He promised his supporters that despite his seeming defeat, the situation has worked out for the best and declared, “the senatorial position will allow me to bring our country back to its rebel roots. It’s way better in the eyes of Dixie.”