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CDC Declares Fan Resident “Patient Zero” For Nationwide Craft Beer Epidemic

ATLANTA, Ga. – After reviewing mounds of data and medical histories, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that they’ve been able to link the cause of a nationwide craft beer epidemic to a resident of Richmond’s Fan district.

Rachel Edwards, a spokesperson for the CDC, unveiled that the disease, classified as the Lagerbacillus hopticum 9 virus, or simply “LH9,” began with Fan resident Mark Truslow approximately three years ago.

“The principles of scientific analysis have helped us determine the cause of this epidemic,” Edwards stated. “Our labs were able to trace various hops and barley grains back to the original host [Mark], whom we’ve learned shared a growler of Fat Tire with his friends at Steve’s place one night. From there, it appears that his friends Nicole and Shaun purchased ‘mix & match’ sets at a local Martin’s grocery store, which helped carry the virus throughout the rest of the state.”

The findings also noted not just the individual’s role in the epidemic, but the city’s as well.

Edwards went on to speak about River City’s culture and the effect it’s had on the virus, noting that containment efforts may have been able to halt the spread at one time.

“The hive of breweries in Richmond and the surrounding area have been a perfect breeding ground, feeding the spread of the virus since day one. A quarantine using wine and those rail tequilas you get at Little Mexico on Wednesday may have been able to contain the spread at one of the earliest stages, but since nothing was done, the infection was uncontrollable.“

After being released from an undisclosed hospital, Patient Zero, Mark, could not be reached for comment. However, our sources indicate that he is currently on a brewery tour throughout Afton Valley, further fueling the fire of the LH9.

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  1. “I’m Not Much of a Beer Guy” Says Guy Who Spends Every Weekend at Craft Breweries – The Peedmont

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