News Peed

Virginia Meteorologists: “We have no fucking clue what to expect this winter”

WAKEFIELD, Va. After what felt like a never ending summer filled with relentless heat & humidity, the state’s leading meteorologists have issued a statement regarding the upcoming winter season, announcing that they haven’t the slightest fucking idea on what’s going to happen this time.

“We’ve ran numerous tests and studied weather patterns and shit,” commented storm tracker Steven Craskett, “but we ultimately don’t know what the hell Mother Nature has in store for us. We could get 20 blizzards, or it could be a pleasant 55 degrees throughout. ‘Fuck if we know.”

Another lab analyst, Bianca Marionne, noted that, “Even though we’ve been analyzing data from historical trends, this is a ‘mild subtropical climate’ that might as well have a fucking bipolar mind of its own. Even the almanac had a picture of a guy shrugging his shoulders from December to February.”

Virginia’s climate has a reputation for being all-encompassing, ranging from hot and humid summers to cold and snowy winters. It’s also not uncommon for drastic temperature & weather changes over short periods of time. Marionne and the rest of the team have spent the past few weeks conducting numerical weather patterns with the hopes of getting an idea on what the winter will hold for the state.

However, despite what any new data may reveal, Marionne remained confident that the forecast was becoming more difficult to conclude. “Yeah, we’ve pretty much given up on trying to predict this shit. Good luck.”

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