Local Man Couldn’t Give Rat’s Ass About Another Goddamned Festival in Richmond

RICHMOND, Va. — While Richmonders all over the metro region are feeling the festival spirit, Earl Lee Hardy really doesn’t give a shit.

“Back in my day, we didn’t need a festival to celebrate every single damn thing on the fucking planet,” bitched Hardy. “First came the Greek Festival, then came the Folk Festival. Or was it the other way around?” a soured Hardy remarked. “Whatever, doesn’t matter. I mean, we even have a festival centered around greasy pig fat. It’s a real waste of taxpayer money if you ask me.”

Hardy ended his interview by noting he plans to spend the annual goddamned festival drinking PBR and spitting at the neighborhood kids.