RICHMOND, Va. — Unproud parent and Fan resident Krista Wheeling is hoping to finally earn a “Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student at Fox Elementary” sticker to put on the bumper of her Chrysler Town & Country minivan this year.
Wheeling’s son Braedynn, 9, is a rising fourth-grader at Fox Elementary School, where he has performed below average throughout the entirety of his academic career. Wheeling hopes that the 2017-2018 school year will turn over a new leaf for young Braedynn, so that she can finally adorn her car with an announcement of her child’s scholastic success.
“I love my son,” Wheeling stated in an interview. “But I’m just not proud of him.”
“I see these other PTA moms in the carpool line after school, flashing their ‘Proud Parent’ bumper stickers like a bunch of show-offs, and sure, I get a little jealous,” she admitted. “Every time Braedynn brings home a C-minus or a D on an assignment, I have to remind him that with those grades, I’ll never earn a bumper sticker.”
Inside sources have confirmed that, despite the fact that Braedynn does not have the grades to inspire pride in his mother, he does possess many other admirable qualities.
For instance, Braedynn has an impressive collection of fidget spinners and LEGO Star Wars video games that he excels in. He is also exceptionally skilled at eating his Fruit Roll-Up by wrapping it around his index finger then sucking it down to a sticky pulp. Braedynn is also a very promising “Heads Up, Seven Up” player and has won the game several times.
However, to Wheeling’s dismay, there are no bumper stickers that read “Proud Parent of Reigning Heads Up, Seven Up Champion at Fox Elementary School.”
When asked what she plans to do if she does not earn the desired sticker this school year, Wheeling stated that she will likely just give up and invest in some vinyl memorial wings for her back windshield reading, “In Loving Memory of All Hope in Braedynn’s Future, 2008-2017.”