RICHMOND, Va. — In a visionary feat of marketing, e-cigarette and vaporizer shop Carytown Cloud City connected with its core demographic of neckbearded untouchables by offering free fedoras with “Avoid Me” printed across the front with the purchase of any vaporizer.
“It’s just good business,” store owner Travis Kovacs said. “Whether you’re a bro who refers to his studio apartment as a ‘slam pad’ or a basement-dwelling male-rights activist, this fedora is a must-have vaping accessory, and it sends a clear message to society to avoid you like the plague.”
With over five hundred black, repulsive fedoras in stock and more in his warehouse, Kovacs is expecting to drive a substantial amount of business to his shop.
“Then there’s the guy who refers to blowing smoke rings as ‘building,’” Kovacs continued. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
The fedora features outsized silver lettering that is simultaneously gaudy and instantly readable, providing a clear signal to passersby exactly what type of human being they are dealing with.
“Or that lady with an angel wing tattoo peaking out from her tank top who blows clouds in the fucking grocery store in between yelling at her children,” Kovacs added. “Ladies get in on this too. Shit, I’ll give two fedoras to any woman named Brandy or Shawna,” he added.
Knowing one’s audience is a fundamental of good marketing, and according to many analysts this promotion reaches the highest level of self-awareness in assholedom since Ed Hardy’s “Douchebag Triumph” collection. VCU Brandcenter adjunct professor Jacob Hayes praised the promotion further noting, “This is a perfect joining of consumer and product. Consider the avowed atheist who ruins parties, the guy who talks about the specific gravity of his IPA and blows smoke out his nostrils like a particularly self-satisfied dragon, the MMA enthusiast who puts ‘no fatties’ on his Tinder profile — if any single item could better express how much we need to avoid these people than the act of vaping itself, a fedora with ‘Avoid Me’ across the crown would be it.”
Competitors have scrambled to develop their own game-changing promotions with mixed results, offering complementary asshole staples such as JNCOs and Creed albums.