RICHMOND, Va. — Coinciding with the start of the football season, Richmond has seen a spike in disappearances and deaths among the Washington Redskins fan community. Evidence shows that an ancient, evil entity referred to as “It” has been terrorizing the metropolitan area, preying on fans desperate for the Redskins to return to NFL relevancy.
One victim, Midlothian resident Bill Edelman, fell prey to the monster Monday afternoon.
“I heard a voice say, ‘The Skins don’t lose another game down here,’ Bill squatted down to see, and then the next thing I know, he was screaming and was pulled into the storm drain,” one bystander recalled.
A search team discovered Edelman humming “Hail to the Redskins” while sitting in a pool of congealed blood. According to the paramedic’s report, he sustained serious bite wounds and had his leg violently ripped from its socket.
“It was beautiful, man. They win the East down there,” Edelman whispered, just before his eyes glazed over into a thousand-mile stare.
Reports indicate that “It” has attacked victims by luring them away from safety and then taking the form of their most paralyzing fear. One survivor, Scott Johnson, crawled into a large drainage pipe with his friend hoping to see Kirk Cousins holding the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Once deep within the sewers, they instead encountered Kirk Cousins with both arms set in a cast, who then transformed into a grinning Ryan Kerrigan wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey.
Johnson was only able to survive by outrunning his friend, who was captured by “It” and dragged further into the pipe. He has not been seen since. Johnson was eventually found on the canal walk, curled in the fetal position and twitching.
While officials remain unsure of how to address the issue of this evil shape-shifter terrorizing the city’s Redskins fans, a fantasy league of middle-aged, overweight accountants has banded together to fight back. They were last seen entering the sewers while holding hands early Wednesday morning.