RICHMOND, Va. – Despite the sounds of horns blaring and the relentless profanities from traffic behind him, reports are coming in that cyclist Shaun Templeton, who’s mild speed has caused a traffic backup spanning three blocks, is completely oblivious to the fact that he is now despised by nearly half of the city.
Templeton has been safely traveling east at low speeds on Monument Avenue for nearly two miles at the time of reporting, and has kept his positioning towards the center of the road in an effort to maintain a safe distance from parked cars. His safety measures have resulted in motorists traveling behind him finding it near impossible to pass him in either lane.
As a result, his dedication to utilizing the middle of the street has made him the subject of every possible insult and profanity known to man coming from vehicles lagging behind him.
“HOLY SHIT GET OFF THE ROAD,” commented severely agitated motorist Kenny Spencer, who has been stuck in the traffic behind Templeton for nearly two miles. “OR JUST PICK A LANE TO STAY IN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.”
Templeton has yet to neither issue a response to nor acknowledge the many infuriated drivers behind him. Experts have noted that this is likely due to his stern concentration on the road, as well as the newest Coldplay album blasting in his headphones.
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Another motorist, Sharon Howells, tried to make an escape by attempting to turn left onto Boulevard; however, her efforts were thwarted by the inability to legally execute the left turn. A passenger in the adjacent lane apparently overheard her scream “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME” before she violently smashed her fist into the sedan’s steering wheel.
Templeton could not be reached for comment; however, the latest eyewitness accounts have corroborated that he is still unaware of the hatred from the horde of vehicles stuck behind him, and has begun to reduce his speed even more as he approached the Monroe Park Campus area, likely due to the higher pedestrian volume.