Ed Gillespie Walks Up to GWARbar, Sighs Deeply, Walks Away
RICHMOND, Va. — As the Virginia gubernatorial race enters its home stretch, candidates have been sighted all over the state pulling out all the stops to boost their numbers.
Well, almost all the stops.
In a recent attempt to win over some portion of the state’s precarious youth vote, Republican candidate Ed Gillespie tried and ultimately failed to enter GWARbar this Tuesday night.
Gillespie approached the popular Jackson Ward metal-themed bar alone in a brown suit wearing a black tie. Multiple witnesses reported watching him stand on the street corner and hesitantly inch toward the door. However, instead of entering the bar, Gillespie appeared to chicken out at the last minute.
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“Yeah, the guy finally got up to the door and then just froze,” a GWARbar regular known commonly as Scud recalled. “He stood there for a few seconds, sighed, and walked away. Guess he didn’t have the guts to walk in here. Too bad, he probably would’ve dug that ‘Ichi the Killer’ movie the bar was showing.”
It is impossible to say what drove Gillespie to change his mind. We may never know if it was the painted bloodstains on the floor, the multitude of septum piercings seen on patrons, or the speakers blasting an older album from the metal band Corrosion of Conformity that caused him to change his mind about entering the establishment.
Gillespie’s endeavour to mingle with the 20-something masses of Richmond came to an end when GWARbar patrons spotted the candidate waiting for an Uber across the street.
Late band member Oderus Urungus, who now looms over a second floor window keeping watch over the block of Clay Street, was seen snickering as Gillespie drove off.
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Gillespie probably realized that he wasn’t going to get through to the mental midgets that inhabit GwarBar. Richmond City is just one left-wing big echo chamber and no one there is open to a dissenting opinion, no matter how well-argued or well-cited it may be.