RICHMOND, Va. — In response to ongoing criticism over potential coal ash contamination, Dominion Energy has decided to oust executive Thomas Farrell and appoint a new CEO who is more reflective of its current stance on environmental conservation. It was announced early this morning that Hexxus, the sexy sludge villain from “FernGully: The Last Rainforest,” will be the new CEO of the Richmond-based energy company.
Dominion’s Director of Environmental Outreach, Sara Bancroft, spoke with Peedmont reporters following the announcement.
“These days people value progressive companies with creative approaches to environmental conservation,” she commented. “From this day forward, Dominion vows to be the most progressively destructive utility company in the entire country. Suck it, James River sturgeon.”
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Regarding his new position at Virginia’s primary power provider, Hexxus delivered a statement from his home in the radioactive barrel bathed in perpetual flame that gives him life.
“Mmmm, delicious. That coal ash is grade A,” he growled with a menacing tone. “Thank you, humans. Such wonderful creatures, so helpful. I really hoped to lead President Trump’s EPA, but they went with one of the Captain Planet guys. A pity. Still, I’m glad to see Dominion so … accepting of my toxic love, and I look forward to what destruction the future brings.”
“Hashtag help Hexxus help you,” he added in that smooth voice of his, a mixture of whiskey and honey warmed to perfection, topped off with a cigarette after a night of passionate lovemaking.
Despite protests from anti-fossil fuel environmentalists, Dominion’s priorities now include burning extra coal and sucking the life force out of all the woods and wetlands in the Commonwealth.
Hexxus is already making waves as Dominion’s new CEO. He was seen vomiting putrid sludge into Quantico Creek within hours of today’s press conference and has publicly called for the deforestation of the entire Shenandoah Valley.
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